The engine of the car halted with a grunt and a whimper, a far cry away from those loud cars he’s always wanted. He got out and threw the keys onto the front seat before closing the door behind him, not intending to lock it, but as a reflex, he did. ‘Great’ he sighed, but a smile quickly slapped him in the face as he looked out at the valley beyond the pine trees and stone fence. This exact trail was where his dad would often bring him on for those bonding/life lesson hikes, stopping at an opening that allowed them to look out into the valley of trees, mountains and nature in general, spreading out in all its glory. He walked towards the edge of the cliff where a stone wall stands about four feet high, stopping anyone from trying to wingsuit off or falling into the ravine that is about 6 and a half stories below. He stood there for a while, enjoying the sun as it began to set behind the mountains, birds flying past it as if it was one of those generic paintings people did as a child. He felt the cool autumn breeze dance across his face and wrapped around his body, reminding him why he liked this spot so much.
‘Hey dad! I found this recipe that’s going to blow your mind!’ he said as he hopped behind the counter and ties a bright red apron around his waist.
‘Well shoot!’ he dad responded enthusiastically while serving up another happy customer. He took a tall cup, filled it with root beer and sinks in a few large scoops of cherry vanilla ice cream, causing the root beer to bleed over the edge of the cup and serving it up to his father with a healthy topping of whip cream and mint.
‘This isn’t anything new, we’ve been serving this for years!’ his brother said as he walked out of the kitchen with a plate of apple crumble and another with waffles, scooping peanut butter ice cream onto it as it melts into the little squares, making delicious peanut butter pools that an ant would willingly dive into.
‘Well, its new when I do this!’ he said as he scooped in some ground almonds and pistachios which only made the delicious components overflow even more.
‘If you want a cup, you can have a cup y’know,’ his dad says, chuckling. ‘You don’t have to make a whole bit around it.’ they all laugh as he shovels the delicious cup of sugar into his mouth. Those were good times, learning how to bake, breathing in sugar and running their father’s soda parlour, that was his childhood, that was his life. He would work there every single day after school, before he skips out on football practice, as a chance to procrastinate on assignments and before his many dates.
The thought of that made his smile. Who was he kidding, “many dates”. It was just the one, which later became his wife. It was frankly amazing that she stayed with him for that long. From opening the box the wrong way during the proposal, causing the ring to fall onto the bridge and making its escape into the river below them, to the many car problems that he’d had to call his dad for help and even to the disaster that was their wedding where a bird decided to take a dump on their cake. ‘Serves us right for having an outdoor wedding.’ she said while she effortlessly slides the diced scallions into the wonderful smelling pot. He sat at the island behind the counter, resting his chin in his hands and stared at her.
‘It was a good looking cake, I would have eaten it if you guys didn’t stop me.’ they both giggled,
‘Of course, you would, that’s why we stopped you’ she said with a huge grin on her face,
‘Hey, can you get me the honey?’
‘You sure you want me to open this? Like right now?’ he said as he comes out of the pantry with the jar, holding it close to his chest.
‘No, later when the sauce is burnt and the flavour is gone’ she teased. He struggled to open it for a while, a long while actually, so long that the pot had to be taken off the heat.
When the eventually pitied him enough to open, he plopped back down onto the chair in exhaustion, his arms and fingers hurting but he refused to show it on his face.
“It's all the laughing we did just now y’know, took up most of my energy’ she gave him a
sweet smile, he knows that she could see through his bluff which made him joke about it even more, whether it’s to save his ego or something else, he couldn’t tell. What he could tell was that he didn’t need to feel this way in front of her, but he did because he knew. He knew he could have done better, be stronger for her, for them.
He legs were getting tired from standing all day, this job is taking a lot out of him lately. He would often drive up here during breaks just to stare out into the distance and remind himself about his privileges.
How many people out there can get a view like this anytime they wanted? He thought.
It made him happy, a friendly reminder that things were going to be okay, as they always do, a sense of hope. He sat down on the stone fence, legs dangling off the deep end, nose pointed up into the sky. Then, as he always does first, listened intently to the birds shouting to their loved ones about the size of the worm they caught that morning.
Those chirps reminded him of the countless movie dates he would force his wife too. It reminded him of the walks they would have after the movie, with the birds accompanying them on their aimless strolls. It didn’t matter if there wasn’t an interesting movie on air, he would argue, ‘All that matters is the large box of popcorn and holding your hand with my buttery one.’ They didn’t care if others say that movie dates were dumb and cliche, walking hand in hand at the park after the movie, discussing its contents and picking apart its narrative was one of, if not the most enjoyable memories they have together.
‘That movie was terrible!’ he said, the words bursting out of his mouth as if tiny people finally made their escape from within, hands in the air, flailing around, ready to take off.
‘Her powers made no sense! Yea I know the force is all powerful and stuff, but its kinda dumb when it just so happens to activate when she needs it. And oh, first time user beats trained rival, wooo amazing. And and and that other guy, he’s so friggin useless, he literally did nothing! The whole show would have been the same without him around.’ and then he took a deep breath and held her hand again, feeling her touch through their thick winter gloves. ‘Oh, sorry, so what did you think about it?’ he asked with a lower tone and she chuckled.
‘I thought it was fine, the action was there and stuff but the plot could use some work, bringing back so many of the main cast from 30 years ago didn’t really help too.’
‘I know RIGHT?! Wait wait, oh yeah, you wanna come on a hike with me and dad tomorrow?’
‘What? No… I’d rather stay indoors, where it's warm and the sun won’t get me.’ she said, he knew that she would have rejected him but still wanted to invite her.
‘Hiking is good exercise y'know, it's also a good way to heat up during the winter.’
‘Hah! Since when do you talk about exercising?’ she said with a snark. ‘I think it's great that you want to spend time with your dad, so go! But I’d prefer a warm cocoa at home while you lie about liking to exercise’ she continued sarcastically. He couldn’t remember the rest of the conversation. It’s been a long time. Those times they’d spend together, talking about movies and life or even in silence, just enjoying each others company was the warm blanket he could always return to. ‘Do you think it's time to have a kid?’ a question that caught him by surprise, it was almost two years into their marriage, things were going good, so good in fact that he agreed right away.
That memory was just like the autumn wind that’s gently encasing him in a dome, one that’s cold enough to give someone chills but also warm enough to make you smile. In fact, the breeze felt so good that he stood up on the stone wall and unbuttoned his shirt, letting the wind explore his chest. It took him a bit to get used to the sensation, making himself question his choice. He looked around him, beyond his parked car, just in case anyone was watching, judging. He didn’t want to bother anyone with his submarine shaped body that runs on milkshakes. But after a few minutes of being self-conscious, he wiped it out of his mind, he doesn’t need to worry about body image, it's alright, no one will care, its normal for men to be shirtless, he forcefully convinced himself before spreading open his arms, pretending like he was an aeroplane and closed his eyes, letting the wind lift his shirt up like a flag. It felt great, a little crazy for any passerby, but life’s too short, right? Just need to do what you enjoy, no one will remember you anyways. That’s what he told himself when he needed the confidence for anything. It was true until he started judging himself for all the dumb shit he did when he was younger. No one will remember you, he thought once again, enjoying the breeze, no one but yourself.
He felt the wind on his face, the sounds of nature keep changing until it starts to loop and you hear the same five sounds over and over, one after another. ‘Would you stop that? Pick a channel and listen to it.’ he snapped, stopping his brother from continuing his assault on the radio through continuous jabbing. It wasn’t anything unusual, just the same old trip to the warehouse to pick up more supplies for the shop. There was a difference though, he was more agitated than usual, he felt like saying something, but he couldn’t and he didn’t know why.
‘So… uhm… hows the whole baby thing coming along?’ his brother asked, interrupting the radio but breaking the silence between them.
For a long while, he kept quiet, his brother taking the hint. It took him two whole songs before he decided to answer the question ‘Its not going to happen.’ he said under his breath and his brother heard it
‘What? Did something happen between both of you?’
‘No! No no no!’ he snapped. ‘It's nothing like that, no… no, it's… it’s because of me.’
‘You need to be more specific than that bro’ and the radio filled the silence once again. He sped up the van in hopes of reaching the soda parlour quicker, ending this conversation. His brother turned off the radio after a while and looked at him intensely, ‘What did you do?’
‘It’s more like what I can’t do’ he said with after a long sigh fighting back the tears. He wasn’t the man his wife wanted, he couldn’t give her the family they wanted, he couldn’t give his father a grandchild while his brother already had two, he can’t even do what a normal man can...
‘Oh, no… don’t cry, man. It's not that big a deal,’ his brother said, interrupting the thought, trying his best to be supportive and navigate these sensitive waters ‘It's not that big a deal, things are going to work out, like they always do. Don’t cry alright? There are always other methods to consider, right? You guys will figure it out eventually’
‘Right,’ he said. right, don’t cry, things will work out. Things always work out eventually.
He shook his head. No! He thought, stop stop stop. Just happy stuff. That’s what I’m here for. His mind instantly went to Christmas, last Christmas specifically. It was a couple of months after the doctor’s news and he was glad that they could just be together as a family and forget about it. As all Christmases in their household goes, no one was in front of the fireplace, or out in the snow. Everyone was in the kitchen, helping prepare food. Both his and his brother’s wives were off making the main meal while the men made the deserts, it was what they grew up doing after all. His brother's twins were sitting by the counter, mesmerized by the tv on the wall, playing a film that the world is still confused about its origins, ‘is it a Christmas movie or a Halloween one? No one knows’, he joked.
They laughed as his brother passed a little spoon of cookie dough to his kids, ‘Taste good? Also, don’t tell your mum I let you have sugar before dinner.’ he said, winking.
‘Now now, lying is bad’ their father retorted, ‘What are you teaching my grandkids?’
‘It's just a joke, they know it’ he defended as the kids laughed.
He walked over to his nieces, ‘Hey, girls, you see that skeleton guy on the screen?’ they nodded excitedly, ‘Your dad is named after him’ he said as their eyes widen in bewilderment as if the best day ever rolled around twice in a second.
‘Hey, what did you tell them? his brother asked rhetorically while continuing his epic cookie dough stirring. ‘That’s not true girls, that’s not true. And don’t teach them how to lie,’
‘You were the one who thought them how to lie’
‘The girls and I prefer to call it “getting away with sugar”,’
‘What does that even mean?’
‘He's right y’know’ their dad chimed in, which made the twins even more excited about the fact that their father was named after the cartoon character was true, granted it was a rather common name. ‘I decided to name you that 10 years before that movie aired, so if you think about it, they named that character after your father!’ he said, turning to his grandchildren with a huge cheeky grin. The twins just stared at their father and to the screen, mouth open, eyes dilated. It was obviously the best day of their lives.
‘Sure dad, thanks,’ his brother said, ‘and girls, you know our agreement’ he said, passing another spoon of cookie dough to them, winking.
He smiled again. Yes, he was back on track. His legs were starting to feel sore again though, standing for hours on end didn’t lend well in balancing yourself on the edge of a cliff. But he refused to sit down, at least not for a little while longer. At this point, the sun will be down within the half hour, the birds are starting to fly home and the bugs are starting to chime in on the day’s politics. His legs could take a bit more standing, it was worth it for this feeling.
‘Sit down, I want to tell you, boys, something.’ his father said as they closed up shop. A large sundae was in front of the both of them, one each, his topped with whipped cream and his brother’s topped with chocolate fudge. Whatever it was, he sensed that it was something big. ‘I’m thinking about retiring,’
‘What?’ he said, with a spoon full of cream in his mouth. ‘You’re not about to jump ship right? Who's going to captain this ship?’ he said as he carved the middle out of a banana, making it into a boat for his ice cream.
‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you boys about.’ he sighed and they all fell silent. ‘It going to go to you, I want you to take take the helm.’ their father said, staring directly at his brother.
“What?!” his brother jumped up from his seat, “W-why me? I mean like obviously the shop should go to the older son right?’ he just sat there silently, not knowing what to say, how to feel.
‘I want the both of you to continue working together like always, but a ship needs a captain and it should be you.’ the awkward tension was getting really thick like a fog just came up and started jabbing its fingers in your throat. ‘Look, I don’t want to start a war between you two, you both need to work together to make this happen. But I made this choice because you have more… more… commitments’ his father said, avoiding eye contact. He understood it, they all did, his brother was not only younger but smarter, brighter and would need to have more progression in life to support his kids. He got it. And he would support his brother all the way.
He smiled ‘I’m with you bro, don’t screw this up’ he said, transferring a bunch of whipped cream to his brother’s bowl.
‘Thanks… you sure you ok with this?’ he said, pushing his now whipped bowl away in disgust.
‘Yea, what’s not to be okay about?’
There was no resentment, or at least he convinced himself that there wasn’t. He tried his best to help, get things back to how they used to be. But with each passing month, lesser and lesser people flowed through those doors. Eventually, the shop was sold off and turned into a bedding store. They both did their best, or that’s what he told himself. He lacked the problem-solving skills and his brother lacked the business touch, and they both lacked the charm and charisma that their father had to keep people coming back. It hurt that they weren't able to keep the shop running, it hurt when it closed down because of them. What’s more, it really hurt to think that things might have been different if he was the one calling the shots, emphasis on the might. The breeze started to get to him so he buttoned his shirt back up and looked down at the 6 story drop. It worked out fine in the end, they both got jobs in other restaurants, his brother was able to maintain a great life for his family while he did his best to make his wife happy.
The clouds were starting to darken as the sun falls deeper into its depression while dragging the temperature down with it. The breeze started to get to him as if the shower turned cold in an instant. He bent down and placed his hand on the fence, then plopped right on to the stones that make it up, hitting his tailbone in the process. He let his feet dangle over the edge once again as he grunted from the pain. It was nothing. he thought. Worse things happened, things that he could have done better to solve, things that he could only solve if he wasn’t the way he is.
‘Sorry dad, I should have done more, should have done better’ he said, trying and failing not to think about the mess he’s made out of his father’s legacy.
‘What’s done is done. I don’t blame you two one bit. You’ve got a new job anyways, right? How’s the pay like?’ he said, starting to pant from their little hike.
‘It's not like running your own place if that’s what you’re asking’.
‘Well, getting the both of you to come work for me right after school might have been a mistake.’ his father said, sighing, ‘Should have let you boys tough it out in the real world for a bit before that. But it's too late now. Just need to suck it up and get it done’. That was what his father preached whenever he or his brother faced something hard or got more emotional than they needed to. It was a good lesson. No point dwelling on it, just suck it up, hold it in and get it done. ‘How are those friends of yours, those that you used to hang out with in college? Maybe you can ask them for work?’ he suggested.
‘It's been a long time since I've talked to them,’ most of them moved to bigger cities, having better lives, better jobs ‘it's not like I don’t try, once in a while, I’ll ask them how they’re doing, but the conversations never last. It only last when they need help or emotional support, then they’ll text me. I mean, I'm not complaining, I want to help my friends in any way I can.’ he took a deep breath. ‘And if me asking them for help in return will mess with their lives or busy schedules, then I’d rather not.’ they both fell silent, he heard his father’s heavy panting and gestured for them to take a seat on the rock fence that blocked off the edge of the mountain.
‘You’re probably right, messaging them too much would come across as needy, and no man would want to come across like that.’ he nodded in agreement. ‘Help wherever you can but don’t be a burden to others. It’ll work out fine, suck it up…’
‘and get it done’ he finished.
He smiled once again, suck it up and gets it done. Words he’s heard his whole life. His new job, at the pizza place, to him, was such a far cry from what he’s been doing all his life. Gone were the days of sweets and sugar, hail to the days of dough and subordination. He thought about the last few weeks, working in a restaurant that he didn’t own, taking orders from people less tolerable than his blood. Again, it wasn’t ideal, but it was only temporary, that was always the plan. So he just had to suck it up and get it done. That’s the least he can contribute to his marriage, which, reminded him, it would be safer to head back home before it gets dark.
A squirrel ran up next to him and just sat there. ‘Hey bud, thinking about life too?’ the squirrel looked at him and went back to staring at the sunset, now almost completely gone.
‘How’s work at the new place?’ she said as she closes the door behind her.
‘It’s alright’ he said as she sat on the bed next to him, with the gentle smile on her face that once made his heart soar. Now, at no fault of her own, it just made his heart sink faster than a rock in a lake, with a metal ball of guilt chained to it.
‘You want to talk about it?’
‘No, I’m not going to talk about how I feel because honestly, I don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s not as easy as “tell me what’s on your mind” like everyone says it is. It just isn’t. I’m in a constant state of denial that something’s wrong. And when I admit it, it manifests in the form of goofs or complaints. Neither of which helps me or anyone around me understands what’s going on. I want to feel better, trust me, I do. But when you don’t know how to talk about it, even to yourself, you’d end up just finding ways to distract yourself from it, cover it up, bury it deep, hope it never comes up again.’ and he smiles while the squirrel just sat there, listening intently. ‘I’m going to be fine.’ he said, catching his breath. ‘It's not like I’m depressed or anything, just having a hard time, tons of people have it worse than me. If anything, I don’t have the right to be upset over stuff like this. It’ll pass and it’ll be alright again’ as he stops to stare at the sky. As it always does and he closed his eyes.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, relishing in the fact that he had a privileged life. Wife, home, a hobby, which is more than what most adults can say. Once again he stood up, scaring the squirrel away, putting his phone down on the ledge as it rings for his wife, counting down until the sun to set behind the mountains. 5… 4… 3… He wanted to hear her voice one last time. His right leg now stepping on air, preparing for his descent. 2...1…
‘You are enough.’ he heard his wife, not from the phone but from behind him. He fell backwards plopping onto the grass with a loud thud, his face in his hands, crying for the first time in adulthood. ‘No I’m not!’ he shouted, weeping, ‘I’m not! I’m so weak… so useless... I’m not...’ the tears now drowning out his voice as he laid there in his wife’s embrace, she wanted to continue saying that he was enough, but she didn’t want to stop his emotions from running, she couldn’t even bear to see him crying. So she just sat there and sobbed with him, cradling her broken husband in her arms, hoping her thoughts were translated through their love and tears,
‘You are enough’